BONFIRE NIGHT !

What is Bonfire Night all about then? Why the fireworks? The bonfires? The burning of effigies and general fun and laughter?

Here is an alternative New Zealand version of this historic event!

TODAY we are going to explore a vital episode in English history.

As those of you who own calendars and diaries will be aware, today is November 5. This is the day that in 1605 a certain Guy Fawkes was caught in the cellars of the Houses of Parliament with several barrels of gunpowder.



Despite his protestations that he was only making preparations to celebrate Bonfire Night, he was accused of treason and, despite impassioned pleas for name suppression and a period of home detention, he and his fellow conspirators were hanged, drawn and quartered.
This was a particularly nasty way that criminals were dealt with in the 17th century, even worse than community service.

The offenders are hung by their collars on a wall and then drawn by students of the local art faculty. When the artists had finished, the resulting drawings were then divided into four piles and placed in sacks.
The criminals had to guess which sack contained their likeness. It's in the Bag had its origins in this English pastime.



If the prisoners did not guess correctly, their punishment was to be sent to the Tower of London.
However, there was a quirky English custom that if the offender could make up a poem of repentance before being hauled off to the Tower he would be let off with a warning.

Fawkes had, of course, been planning to blow up Parliament, which is a rather radical way of dispensing with troublesome MPs, although it is a method that has been contemplated in Wellington in recent months.

Fawkes failed to pick the correct sack but being quicker-witted than his fellow conspirators, immediately took centre stage and began to recite:



His captors went into a huddle to decide whether they would allow such an ungrammatical poem but decided that on balance it would probably stand the test of time. They realised that in any case, by the 21st century most people would be capable of text speak, so the poem was allowed to stand.

Guy Fawkes walked free with a warning, while his colleagues were sent to the Tower.
He later became a prominent member of society and a wealthy fireworks manufacturer.
However, the authorities were reluctant to let Fawkes off scot-free and so they encouraged the local populace to light bonfires every November 5 so they could burn effigies of Guy Fawkes.



Far from being despondent at this idea, Fawkes encouraged the use of his fireworks at these gatherings and so began the long tradition of guy-burning and Bonfire Night fireworks.
This is a custom that eventually spread to Britain's colonies over the centuries and is still adhered to in New Zealand today.



However, the tradition is now under threat because of the amount of greenhouse gases released by countless bonfires and innumerable fireworks.
In fact, in some quarters it is believed the English are solely to blame for global warming because of their insistence on commemorating for the past 400 years a failed treason attempt.



Indeed, research after a fireworks display in Hawaii discovered that the level of suspended particulates rose by 300 per cent from a non-fireworks evening and a 113 per cent increase in the number of people suffering from respiratory illness.
Experts have calculated that for every 10kg of firework, 9kg of it will go either to the landfill or be burnt.



So, politicians of a green persuasion have Guy Fawkes Night firmly in their sights.
But before they pass any legislation outlawing Bonfire Night they would probably be wise to check the cellars under the House first.